by Elizabeth Carrouth
I am reading Tim Keller’s Prodigal God with some amazing women and in the book, Keller writes that “Jesus’s purpose is not to warm our hearts but to shatter our categories.”
I was learning how to forgive others who I felt had harmed me. I am still learning. I will always be learning. But it took years after my “five-year pilgrimage of forgiveness” to finally be willing to look at my part and how the decisions I made had set me up for heartache. And resentment. It was at a time in my early Walk; I had not yet learned that the God “hole” in my heart was there for a reason and that nothing earthly could fill it. No person, no geographic cure, no drug, no relationship. Only God.
How unfair it was of me to place another human being on a pedestal that belongs only to God. Any human being will “cave” under that kind of pressure. Most of all, it broke my Father’s Heart and I didn’t know it. The inevitable pain my self-willed decision brought was simply the discipline of God that brought me home to Him. I would not change the pain and all the gifts that came in spite of and, yes, because of my selfishness. I have embraced forgiveness of myself, knowing that this was His Will for me all along. In all my humanness, I often fall back into allowing something or someone to take center stage in my life, but the resulting pain is familiar now, I don’t fall as often, and I have God to help me “dig out”.